Speaking of boundaries --
In Chapter 7: "So-Called Situational Sexual Behavior"
You wrote:
> What about men whose wives fuck them with strap-ons every
> once in a while? What percentage is the cutoff? Is it homosexual
> for a man to be fucked by his wife?
Interesting you should mention this. As a matter of fact, I know somebody who, in an attempt to
spice up his sex life, asked his wife (of how many years? Something like 15 I think. with two
kids.) to use a strap-on and had his request blow up in his face.
His wife told him that as far as she was concerned, the suggestion **made** him homosexual, and
she divorced him. Quite possibly it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, and the
marriage had been failing for some time, but in this case the wife certainly seized on her
husband's interest in being the recipient of anal penetration to vociferously accuse him of being
unmasculine and to suggest that he was probably "really" gay.
So tread carefully, married heterosexuals!
It would seem that in many cases it is women who play a significant role in policing the
boundaries of allowable sexual expression in the men in their lives. Comments I've seen on the
Web suggest to me that for many women, it would be an absolute show-stopper if they found out
that their man had any history of fooling around with other men, or if he let slip any signs that
he might have the slightest inclination to do so. In fact, support groups for women who have
husbands who they suspect might be gay (often run by women who have already gone through the
trauma of having their husbands "come out" and leave the marriage) encourage their readers to
take very seriously the discovery, say, of a gay porn site in a man's browser history. E.g.,
Bonnie Kaye's support group
http://www.straightwives.com/newsletter2.htmlwarns:
--------------
But I also get letters from women who do confront their husbands with evidence in hand and get
denials with distorted truths giving excuses such as “Those pictures belonged to a co-worker,” or
“I have no clue how those websites got on our computer.”
For those women whose husbands eventually tell you the truth, count yourselves as lucky even
though you may not feel that way at the time. No doubt hearing the word **gay** is devastating,
but not hearing it is even worse. This month alone, I have received 32 letters from women who
asked me for advice because their husbands or ex-husbands will not admit to their homosexuality.
These women know the truth. They have stumbled on it one way or another. It has smacked them in
the face through hidden websites, email, pornography, letters, hotel receipts, phone bills, etc.
And yet, their husbands just keep lying or denying. They are not ready to be honest--and may
never be ready. Some men will never be ready to accept their homosexuality because it is too
painful or embarrassing.
These are the men whom I call the “Limbo Men.” Their whole lives are lived in limbo. They are
emotionally straight, but physically gay. They never feel totally comfortable in either world,
but they are much more comfortable “passing” in the straight world where they are accepted as
part of mainstream society.
All married gay men go through “limbo” for a period of time. In other words, they are stuck in
between both worlds hoping that by wanting the straight world badly enough they will be able to
“cross over” into it. . .
These are the men who will never leave their marriages. They will stay there until the day they
die, leading a painful existence and sharing that pain with their wives. More specifically,
pouring that pain upon their wives. We all know that misery loves company, and these men are
happy to make you as miserable as they are.
So often, these “Limbo Men” husbands luck out. They have wives who are much kinder and more
understanding than average. These are the women who will keep trying every little trick in the
book thinking someday they will get their husbands hooked. The women live an accepted existence,
looking for the crumbs in the marriage while trying to turn those crumbs into a cake. It is truly
a tragedy and waste of human life.
======
(See also
_Is He Straight : A Checklist for Women Who Wonder_ by Bonnie Kaye
http://www.amazon.com/Is-He-Straight-Checklist-Wonder/dp/0595004393/ )
This point of view (which may be perfectly justifiable!) does not bode well for a "Grero" culture
of fluid male sexuality (unless it's done on the "down-low" and in complete secrecy, which indeed
it is in certain subcultures of ostensibly straight men today).
Of course, the idealization of strict monogamy is part of this. If you're a man, and you have to
choose and stick with **one** sexual partner, that partner will either be a woman (which "means"
you're straight) or a man (which "means" you're gay).
